There are countless reasons on why people are not in relationships even though they want to be. In my practice I have seen many emerge that can explain why people are single when they don’t want to be. We will look at some of the reasons that causes this pain, and at times shame of being single. Also for those that are not single, I ask you to relate and reflect on how hard it was not to be in a relationship. And no I’m not saying being in a relationship is an achievement, but because it’s human nature to want to feel loved and want to love someone else.
1. Feeling undeserving
You might feel that you’re not good looking enough, tall enough, sense of humor and that you always sensitive. I have been there and I can tell you right now that it’s not a nice place to be in. Our inner thoughts give results on who we are on the outside. Maybe you feel like anyone you could get, you wouldn’t want anyway. Or maybe you were badly hurt in your previous relationship and now you don’t trust yourself or anyone.
Despite all these obstacles, you have an intense longing for connection. Feeling undeserving of romantic intimacy can at times lead you into participating in activities that you can regret after. These activities may include paying for intimacy for a quick fix rather than cultivating it in their own merits. But whatever it is, I say don’t do things out a quick craving that might lead to long life consequences.
2. Intense neediness
Nothing is enough. Nothing feels good enough. You ask for praise, even beg for it, but then you can’t accept when it’s given to you or you can’t spot it even when it’s right in front of you. The level of insecurity you feel leaves little if any room to establish a healthy relationship, because conversations with prospective partners must involve the reasons why you are loveable, and without that reassurance you feel unlovable.
As you have painfully discovered, it is just too much to ask for, and you end up alone, which in turn creates more insecurity, shame and despair. Working on understanding how your need for reassurance reached this level may help you feel compassion for yourself. Recognizing how much your neediness is interfering with finding and sustaining a relationship are the first steps to developing healthier ways to seek the reassurance you long for from yourself, and foremost which will make it far easier for prospective partners.
3.Being unrealistically discriminating
Maybe your parents had a hard time to praise you or they weren’t satisfied with your achievements when you were a child. Maybe the opposite were true: you received ements amount of praise and learnt to expect perfection as the norm or maybe it’s both. Regardless, these experiences created a loud voice in your head that tells you your prospective mates aren’t good enough. This opinion is so dominant that you don’t give partners a chance. You may even have retrospective regret about ending your past relationships because you were too picky. You might even believe prospective partners out there are as picky as you have been, and therefore wouldn’t find you appealing, so again, why not cut it off before it begins?
Another scenario: You may feel like you have already gone through the the pack of prospects, none of them worked out, and so based on this limited group you are convinced that there is no one right for you out there, therefore, the right person for you doesn’t exist. And sadly based on our experiences we even get blind to see or realise that there’s a whole ocean out there we haven’t even discovered.
Knowing people exist outside your limited pool can be inspiring in it’s own right, and can create an experience of hopefulness which is a powerful and motivating feeling to have in any circumstance.
But really how can we get into a healthy relationship considering our experiences, good or bad?
Based on my previous post, I stated very clearly that know yourself and live your truth, a match will definitely come to you on their own(automatically). And when you find that right person, keep them. And by good I don’t mean perfect, no one’s perfect. But the question still stands regarding maintaining a healthy relationship.
Every relationship is unique and complex, and people come together for different reasons. Part of what forms a healthy relationship is sharing a common goal for exactly what you guys want the relationship to be and where you want it to go. You maintain a meaningful emotional connection with each other. You each make the other feel loved and emotionally fulfilled. There’s a difference between being loved and feeling loved. When you feel loved, it makes you feel accepted and valued by your partner, like someone trully gets you. Some relationships gets stuck in coexistence, but without the partner’s trully relating to each other emotionally. While the union may seem stable on the surface, a lack of ongoing involvement and emotional connection serves only to add distance between two people.
Don’t be afraid of respectful disagreement. Some couples talk thing out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. They key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to feel safe when expressing your feelings in whatever bothers you.
Lastly, keep outside relationships and interests alive. Despite the claims of romantic fiction or movies , no person can meet all of your needs. In fact, expecting too much from your partner can put unhealthy pressure to your relationship. It’s important to sustain your own identity outside of the relationship, considering the fact that you were your own self before she came and vice versa.
Writer: Vuyiswa Tsautse