Why do most of people find themselves without relationships and how can you get into one?

There are countless reasons on why people are not in relationships even though they want to be. In my practice I have seen many emerge that can explain why people are single when they don’t want to be. We will look at some of the reasons that causes this pain, and at times shame of being single. Also for those that are not single, I ask you to relate and reflect on how hard it was not to be in a relationship. And no I’m not saying being in a relationship is an achievement, but because it’s human nature to want to feel loved and want to love someone else.

1. Feeling undeserving

You might feel that you’re not good looking enough, tall enough, sense of humor and that you always sensitive. I have been there and I can tell you right now that it’s not a nice place to be in. Our inner thoughts give results on who we are on the outside. Maybe you feel like anyone you could get, you wouldn’t want anyway. Or maybe you were badly hurt in your previous relationship and now you don’t trust yourself or anyone.

Despite all these obstacles, you have an intense longing for connection. Feeling undeserving of romantic intimacy can at times lead you into participating in activities that you can regret after. These activities may include paying for intimacy for a quick fix rather than cultivating it in their own merits. But whatever it is, I say don’t do things out a quick craving that might lead to long life consequences.

2. Intense neediness

Nothing is enough. Nothing feels good enough. You ask for praise, even beg for it, but then you can’t accept when it’s given to you or you can’t spot it even when it’s right in front of you. The level of insecurity you feel leaves little if any room to establish a healthy relationship, because conversations with prospective partners must involve the reasons why you are loveable, and without that reassurance you feel unlovable.

As you have painfully discovered, it is just too much to ask for, and you end up alone, which in turn creates more insecurity, shame and despair. Working on understanding how your need for reassurance reached this level may help you feel compassion for yourself. Recognizing how much your neediness is interfering with finding and sustaining a relationship are the first steps to developing healthier ways to seek the reassurance you long for from yourself, and foremost which will make it far easier for prospective partners.

3.Being unrealistically discriminating

Maybe your parents had a hard time to praise you or they weren’t satisfied with your achievements when you were a child. Maybe the opposite were true: you received ements amount of praise and learnt to expect perfection as the norm or maybe it’s both. Regardless, these experiences created a loud voice in your head that tells you your prospective mates aren’t good enough. This opinion is so dominant that you don’t give partners a chance. You may even have retrospective regret about ending your past relationships because you were too picky. You might even believe prospective partners out there are as picky as you have been, and therefore wouldn’t find you appealing, so again, why not cut it off before it begins?

Another scenario: You may feel like you have already gone through the the pack of prospects, none of them worked out, and so based on this limited group you are convinced that there is no one right for you out there, therefore, the right person for you doesn’t exist. And sadly based on our experiences we even get blind to see or realise that there’s a whole ocean out there we haven’t even discovered.

Knowing people exist outside your limited pool can be inspiring in it’s own right, and can create an experience of hopefulness which is a powerful and motivating feeling to have in any circumstance.

But really how can we get into a healthy relationship considering our experiences, good or bad?

Based on my previous post, I stated very clearly that know yourself and live your truth, a match will definitely come to you on their own(automatically). And when you find that right person, keep them. And by good I don’t mean perfect, no one’s perfect. But the question still stands regarding maintaining a healthy relationship.

Every relationship is unique and complex, and people come together for different reasons. Part of what forms a healthy relationship is sharing a common goal for exactly what you guys want the relationship to be and where you want it to go. You maintain a meaningful emotional connection with each other. You each make the other feel loved and emotionally fulfilled. There’s a difference between being loved and feeling loved. When you feel loved, it makes you feel accepted and valued by your partner, like someone trully gets you. Some relationships gets stuck in coexistence, but without the partner’s trully relating to each other emotionally. While the union may seem stable on the surface, a lack of ongoing involvement and emotional connection serves only to add distance between two people.

Don’t be afraid of respectful disagreement. Some couples talk thing out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. They key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to feel safe when expressing your feelings in whatever bothers you.

Lastly, keep outside relationships and interests alive. Despite the claims of romantic fiction or movies , no person can meet all of your needs. In fact, expecting too much from your partner can put unhealthy pressure to your relationship. It’s important to sustain your own identity outside of the relationship, considering the fact that you were your own self before she came and vice versa.

Writer: Vuyiswa Tsautse

How to find a suitable partner!!

We all want to find the right partner or be the right partner, it’s human nature. But sometimes it can be tricky to find the right one and to some it might not. There’s a saying in English that goes ‘you attract what you want’, and believe it or not that phrase is powerful and helpful. When we are looking to be with someone there are aspects or questions of ourselves we need to look at first before we get committed or be involved in a relationship.

I think first we will tackle at least 3 questions we need to answer so that we can be open minded.

1. Who is your ideal partner?

Do you know the ideal person you want to be with? Because if you don’t, how do you expect to find him or her? Before you set out to accomplish a goal, you must know what the goal is. Clarity creates direction. It helps you know what you going after.

Of course you won’t know everything about your potential partner, but you do have an idea of what type of person is a good fit for you. Perhaps you want to be with someone who wants to make a difference in the world? Or you want a family oriented person? Are you looking for someone that wants to take you on adventures? Anything you desire is fine – you just have to claim that you want it! Right now, make a list of what you want in a potential partner. Answer the following questions to get clear on what you’re looking for.

What qualities does my ideal partner have?

What does it feel like to be with him or her?

What attributes are most important to me?

The clearer you are about the person you want to be with, the more likely he or she will come to you.

2. Are you a match for your ideal partner?

Now that you have made a list of who you want to be with, you have to make sure you are a match to this person.

In relationships, we attract people who match who we are. They mirror back the qualities that we have, and our beliefs about relationships. Sometimes we think a relationship is meant to fill in the holes of our life and that a partner is the key to what’s missing, and I did that huge mistake. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. A relationship isn’t going to fill in the gaps of your life instead it’s going to enhance the feelings that are already there.

Right now, take a look at the list you made about your ideal partner and ask yourself: Am I being the qualities that I listed? Am I being the person that I attract in?

Circle any qualities that you’re not actively embodying, and make a point of being more of that person today. Be who you want to attract, and the right person will absolutely make his or her own way to you.

3. Are you treating yourself the way you want to be treated?

Last, but definitely not least, you must treat yourself the way you want the potential or current partner to treat you. Since your partner mirrors back how you feel about yourself, you have to love yourself before the right partner arrives!

Don’t wait for a relationship to feel beautiful or handsome, adored, cared for, cherished and so fourth. Feel this way now, and you’ll find someone who feels this way about you too!

Right now, make a list of how you want to be treated in a relationship and ask yourself: Am I treating myself this way? Am I complementing myself? Am I kind and understanding to myself? Am I taking myself to places that I love? Am I proud of myself and the way I’m living my life?

I know it can be hard to believe, but people will only going to give you the amount of love that you give to yourself. Love yourself deeply, and you will love another who will love you deeply too.

Remember: a relationship is an enhancement of who you already are. Find love on the inside and you find love on the outside too.

Writer: Vuyiswa Tsautse

You’re no one’s priority (facts)!!

I really wish my mom or elders told me this when I was still young. Not to get too comfortable/relaxed in our zones. You might explain this phrase in a negative way but I personally interpret it in an optimistic view. I’ll obviously get into that in a min. But please remember this you came into this world alone and you will leave alone!

I’m saying this because now that I’m still growing and evolving I’ve seen and experienced moments where being uncomfortable is and still dust yourself and keep walking. And sometimes walking doesn’t always mean you know where you going, sometimes it could mean taking a leap of faith without depending on someone and you’ll see it when you get there. And only to find out you’ve made the best decision ever!

There are times when you realize that you’re an option and not a priority, and if you don’t realize it, you are haunted by the thought. When you get together with a certain someone, you feel like the third wheel or the last one invited to the party. You are the plus one. Maybe you suspect that you’re some last minute arrangement. Or you’re trying to get assistance or guidance or just moral support from a friend, sister, mom, dad, etc.. could be anyone, but they can’t make time for you because they’re genuinely busy or pretending to be busy. And with all of that going on, you can’t wait for them to do what you need to do. Even if they’re there, they can only say so much because it all depends on you. No one can push or change you except for yourself!

For example, you’re trying to start a business, blog or YouTube channel because you’re passionate about it. You see yourself very far if you can have them. But as soon as you share your ideas to others they don’t see it like you do or they don’t even want to see it. They don’t see the vision that you see. They don’t know your limit or capability like you do. When you’re sleeping at night they don’t even keep awake to help you achieve because they’re busy and everyone is busy by the way. It’s a matter of having the best interest at heart.

Don’t even think that you’re someone’s priority, if you do lucky you and keep on being blessed. Do what you need to do because no one is going to wait for you, even time will not wait for you. If you have a business idea, do it now. If you want to start a blog, do it now. Buy that house now because nobody will push to do these things, no one!

I want to end this blog post by at least 8 reminders.

  1. Stan for yourself no matter what because no one will.
  2. Don’t look back.
  3. List the value of you.
  4. Don’t be afraid to be a little high maintenance.
  5. Invest yourself in a worthy cause.
  6. Believe that better things are just ahead.
  7. Be direct with what you want.
  8. Be okay with being on your own without turning into a hermit or emotionally shallow.

Writing (or not writing) During A Pandemic

Something that we all going through, nice and simple article to read ❤️

Lorraine Ambers

Being creative during a pandemic can be a struggle. Not only is the world full of fear, but it’s also loaded with stress. If you can’t write, don’t beat yourself up about it. We’re living in uncertain times, making sure you take care of yourself and your family is the main priority. But to ease the burden, here’s a lighthearted post about how I’m dealing with the situation.

Keep active.

This translates to hoovering in my pajamas, washing the dishes while staring out of the window and daydreaming. I like to let the lemon-fresh soapy suds lull me into a peaceful bliss while I conjure up new plots.

Keeping the kids busy.

Signed up to Disney+ so we can all watch our favorite films. I’m taking advantage of being emotionally carried away by Marvel magic. Sigh! Chris Pratt. Besides, endless games of monopoly and Uno are getting old fast. It’s…

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What a perfect time to be alone❤️

To be alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely. There’s a big difference in being lonely and being alone. Let me be your dictionary for a sec😜.

Lonely means someone who is unhappy because they’re alone or don’t have anyone they can talk to. Or a lonely situation or period of time is one in which you feel unhappy because you are alone or don’t have anyone to talk to. Being alone means allowing yourself to be responsible for all of your act and your life without depending on anyone. Being alone is a privilege🎊.

So I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to be actually alone (sometimes) and there’s a reason why I say that. Here’s a few reasons on why I say that.

  1. Expect better from yourself, not from others.

Other ppeople will disappoint you,iit’s a bitter pill to swallow but it’s true. And remember that we’re not perfect just like you disappoint them as well. Love yourself, care for yourself, rely on yourself and improve yourself. This is the time to learn more about yourself basically. Use it wisely😉.

2.Start something

It’s always scary to start something I know. But believe me when I say you know yourself better than anyone. There will always be variables you can’t control but it’s best to focus on what you can control. And also don’t over think – just do it.

3. Own up to your privilege

The world is centered in a certain way so that certain people are treated better than others socially, politically and economically. Growing up in a country that isn’t warton is a privilege. Admit your privilege and unlearn the untitlement that comes with it.

4. Be nice to people without having expectations.

Be kind to people but don’t expect anything in return. Good things comes to kind people. Actually don’t expect them to react in any kind of way. At the same time, when other people show you kindness, express your gratitude because you’re not entitled to another person’s kindness.

5. Don’t let your kindness kill you.

We need to understand that we’re different and we’re raised in different manners. No matter how good your in tensions are, you can’t fix anyone. Be compassionate but it’s not your duty to save anyone from their trauma. We can only say so much and give advices but it’s all up to one’s self. Always remember, you need you more than anyone else could ever need you.

6. Life’s too short to live in a way to convince people.

You are worthy already ‼️

7. Where there’s peace, allow it to reign.

Put your peace of mind first. This means protecting your space and paying attention to yourself, giving yourself love.

8. Don’t be afraid to raise your standards.

Its your life, you dictate your standards. Having high standards doesn’t mean you’re selfish or that you are picky. Your standards are a recognition of your worth.

Being admired is always nice. But how do you make people feel when they’re with you? That’s what you’ll be remembered for.

Building that strong personality – here’s how to. Let’s talk!

Another failed attempt of getting out of bed, I must say this lockdown completely changed my schedule 😏. But on the other bright side of it I’m discovering myself as that is an ongoing task. And right now in this crisis we’re in we may feel demotivated, out of ideas, confused and not feeling good about ourselves. Guess what?? It doesn’t have to be like that!

You can still be motivated, be confident, be comfortable, stick to your normal routine and mostly still keep on building that strong personality that you had going. Remember a strong personality is founded upon self-consciousness, with self gorvened intelligence, and self directed action. Sounds like a lot right? In general, you need to work hard sometimes harder to get what you want. Same applies 💯‼️

Thousands of human lives are blasted by negative goodness. Observe your opportunities to be kind to yourself and others. Trust me you’ll sleep more comfortably at night. Conditions are thought made. Change your thoughts and you will change your condition. To agonize and struggle in a bad condition is like struggling in quick sand, you get in deeper. Tell your conditions to another and you multiply them. Once you make a start, the world is at your command. Let go of the past. Yes I know it’s easier said than done. It’s something that I’m still struggling with and working on it. It take time but eventually it’ll be worth it. Stop the foolish thinking that conditions hold you, it is you holding conditions. And at times we might not notice that at all. That’s why it’s good to be aware and always on our feet. Quit your self-pity, blaming others and saying you are a victim of circumstances. Stop whining and begin singing. Look away from yourself and love it.

Go back to nature if you have to. Be a fine animal. Get into the sunshine, get into the woods and breathe. Our bodies are sick and weak because we have denatured ourselves. We can go on and on on how to build that strong personality fam. I’m just sharing what I think is fruitful and hope we learn from these “tips”.

Eat simply slowly, nuts, cereals and fruit. Drink abudently of water between meals. Dress less somber, study your physical appearance, It says a lot about you and give it harmony. Keep your body well groomed. You’re in charge of it and nobody will love it like you. A bath and haircut or new hairstyle can change the outlook of life. Quit habits that weaken the body. Never talk about your bodily weakness, illness or condition. Criticize your body and it will fail you. Praise your body and it will serve you.

This all starts with you and how you persive life. We can only talk so much. Remember to #staysafe#quarantine💕

The Obsession with Making Writing Real

the orang-utan librarian

thoughts orangutan

One thing I have to make clear before I get started is that I’m not saying “realism sucks”. Every genre or style has its time and place. As much as I love fantasy, I’m open to all forms of the genre and I also adore classics/literary/contemporary fiction etc (not to mention the fact I like my historical fiction as realistic as possible). So, let’s just begin by saying yes, realism rocks just as hard as fantasy. Glad we could get that out of the way 😉

What I do mean, however, is that sometimes striving for realism takes over. While glaring errors can take you out of a story, sometimes criticism of contemporaries can get a little nitpicky (like, whether or not a particular school has a netball team or whatever). And I’ve written at length about why I’m happy to suspend my disbelief for fantasy. More recently…

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5 Best Ways To Glow Up, Inside And Out

Before I talk about the steps or advice that I’ll share to glow up I’d firstly like to describe or elaborate the word Glow.

Glow simply means to go from the bottom to the top. It is an incredible transformation that one make from a previous spot. Now I want to share with you some of the tips that personally helped me from bottom to top.

  1. Hydrate Everything!

This ttakes more than 6-8 glasses of water per day- you actually want to have a water rich hydrating diet. Build your meals around veggies and fruits choosing more raw food than cooked. Water-rich salads, vegetables, juicy ripe fruit, smoothies and fresh vegetable juices are great options. Pure water should be your go to beverage though.

2. Take a step out of your comfort zone!

Something that keeps us stuck in a rut and prevent us from having our glow up moment is keeping things the same. You may love to wear black and white everyday and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But surely you have loved a little something different.

But instead of walking past that red sweater or those yellow shoes because you think you can’t pull it off, give it a go. Just taking one baby step out of your norm can start things off.

3. Do something different !

A glow up does not have to be you going from wearing crocs to wearing the latest trends. It can be you going from wearing ponytail daily to wearing a fun braid or dying your hair with another color.

Do something different. If you love latest trends, go for It. But try something that’ll make you unique. A glow up is doing something that’ll make your individuality to shine.

4. Get some new glasses!

Changing uup your glasses is a small step,but if you are hesitant it may be the one you need to go further in your glow up journey. If you have wearing the same glasses from grade school, then it is time for a change.

Go for a cat eye, something colored or rounder.

5. Let go of the negative!

Try not to let the negative thoughts get to you. I know hard it is. You have worked hard to come to yourself,but then yoh get a massive zit or get a mean comment online. I also know it hurts.

But instead of letting that one thing ruin your whole day and outlook, try to let it go. Focus on the positives that occurred on your day and let the negative bits just roll away.